Fascination

It is probably fascination.

It is neither love nor hate.

Fascination,

is neither right nor wrong.

It is just is.

Whether anything else exist,

--- emotion or indifference,

It is rediculous to tell.

As yet, there is only

Fascination.

Let Go of Your Worries by Jalal Al-Din Rumi

Let go of your worries
and be completely clear-hearted,
like the face of a mirror
that contains no images.
If you want a clear mirror,
behold yourself
and see the shameless truth,
which the mirror reflects.
If metal can be polished
to a mirror-like finish,
what polishing might the mirror
of the heart require?
Between the mirror and the heart
is this single difference:
the heart conceals secrets,
while the mirror does not.

I Still Want To Meet Him

I guess I got in to "this" too deep already. I hope we are both at the same page or, at the least, mature enough to handle the situation.

Sure, I know how to guard my heart. Although, I don't know why I got myself into this. There's nothing there for me, at least something I need or want (and please, don't say love). Hmmm, hold on, I remember. I'm bored being numb and whether to feel love or feel pain, is not important at the moment. What matters is that I feel -I am alive.

There is a certain thrill in not knowing what is beyond the eyesight. The imagination flashes multitudinous scenarios. Situations vary from appealing to appalling. Which among these scenarios is most likely to happen? -I dont know but I'd like to know some day as it happens.

Risking never equates to a loss or waste. In risking, it is a display of nude courage. A humbling kind of courage as I strip off all pretense that clothes me. It is humbling to be seen nude as I -possibly- would be at the spotlight of ridicule. It takes courage to be in that kind of spotlight. But I know I would not regret whatever happens nor would I blame others of my own decision or action. (To others: so don't tell me what to do and what not to do, okay?)

It has been a difficult week between us. There is too much suspiscion and intolerance. Hokey, at least on my part. I'm at the point where I am doubting his sincerity. Is he really interested in knowing me or he's just making schemes. I've been discerning if we are friends at all, if we were then it is far from being ideal. We were more like flirting and I've never been tolerant with men falling on this category. --not long enough, at the most.

In spite of the doubts I stated above, months of conversation with him kind of made me see through his guise. I saw that we were not really different. We are just the same, bruised yet enchantingly amazing seers and searchers. Afraid of the same things, burned by the same flame, hopeful of God's graces, wanting to be better. We are just the same. Thingking about it, this is the very reason why I endured the blows being the ear to his resentments, self-gratification and fantasies... hehehe.

But like I said, we are just the same. I'd like someone to hear me out but he's wearing earplugs and he is not beside me and even if he is, he may not want to listen.

It is that frustrating...sometimes.

B-): well you don't really know what i'm going through
;;)08: and thats true
B-): well.. you're the first lady i met who has been adamant to get to know me
B-): to really try to delve and understand who i am
;;)08: and honestly, it isnt easy
B-): lol
;;)08: yeah

We still talk, less these days. When he gets here, I'd still want to meet him even when he brings pain. When he leaves, the pain goes too.

Conditioned Response

I'm getting the knack of things....hmmmmm all sorts of things. i'm just amused to figure them out.

Adjust. Discern. Compromise. -Hmmm... pano ko ba sasabihin ng di kailangan ng sobrang elicit details. Let's just put this way. I have this tendency to be "selfish" pag ayaw ko...ayaw ko. But I guess I've been "selfish" too long. So someone's gonna have a blast (Yes, Congratulations to you lucky winner..hehehe) So it is a compromise between two arrogant people with somehow "selfish things in mind". There, I am adjusting. Of course, I really thought hard about it just so (atleast) I convinced myself that "it is perfectly fine". (Although, I wished there was another way..pero wala e.. so GO na). Seriously, I thought about it because I don't want to end up "picking myself up" --im too lazy to do that again, y'know? If I let it happen, then I should know that there is no one to blame but myself and even at that I should be forgiving to the "foolish" girl I've been. So I guess, I'm all in at that part "the selfish part" not the entire being, so to speak. Yun lang nman ang at stake...so I conditioned my mind that its just that. I hear velcro adhesives pulling away Body and Emotion.

Its a show of action not feelings. I am not complaining.

I took a retreat. I didn't try to contact him for about a week to think of reasonable, decent yet not icy way to deal with him. Since we come at opposite ends and not willing to be the first one to disarm ammo, it will really be a bloody bout between us. Sayang naman. So I thought, I should let my guard down atleast for a few days, atleast with him --and love isn't really the reason. It's giving the benefit of the doubt. Let's just see how the balance of "trust" manages on this "quakey" ground.

Condition! Condition! Condition!

That word is not new to me. Before the scheduled football games, WE CONDITION. Before WNCAA season starts, WE CONDITION. It's all in the mind. So when you set your mind into something, the body will stupidly submit at the request of the insane brain.

I conditioned myself on this one.

I submit - no regrets
No Blaming
If something goes wrong ----------------- RUN.