Fascination

It is probably fascination.

It is neither love nor hate.

Fascination,

is neither right nor wrong.

It is just is.

Whether anything else exist,

--- emotion or indifference,

It is rediculous to tell.

As yet, there is only

Fascination.

Let Go of Your Worries by Jalal Al-Din Rumi

Let go of your worries
and be completely clear-hearted,
like the face of a mirror
that contains no images.
If you want a clear mirror,
behold yourself
and see the shameless truth,
which the mirror reflects.
If metal can be polished
to a mirror-like finish,
what polishing might the mirror
of the heart require?
Between the mirror and the heart
is this single difference:
the heart conceals secrets,
while the mirror does not.

I Still Want To Meet Him

I guess I got in to "this" too deep already. I hope we are both at the same page or, at the least, mature enough to handle the situation.

Sure, I know how to guard my heart. Although, I don't know why I got myself into this. There's nothing there for me, at least something I need or want (and please, don't say love). Hmmm, hold on, I remember. I'm bored being numb and whether to feel love or feel pain, is not important at the moment. What matters is that I feel -I am alive.

There is a certain thrill in not knowing what is beyond the eyesight. The imagination flashes multitudinous scenarios. Situations vary from appealing to appalling. Which among these scenarios is most likely to happen? -I dont know but I'd like to know some day as it happens.

Risking never equates to a loss or waste. In risking, it is a display of nude courage. A humbling kind of courage as I strip off all pretense that clothes me. It is humbling to be seen nude as I -possibly- would be at the spotlight of ridicule. It takes courage to be in that kind of spotlight. But I know I would not regret whatever happens nor would I blame others of my own decision or action. (To others: so don't tell me what to do and what not to do, okay?)

It has been a difficult week between us. There is too much suspiscion and intolerance. Hokey, at least on my part. I'm at the point where I am doubting his sincerity. Is he really interested in knowing me or he's just making schemes. I've been discerning if we are friends at all, if we were then it is far from being ideal. We were more like flirting and I've never been tolerant with men falling on this category. --not long enough, at the most.

In spite of the doubts I stated above, months of conversation with him kind of made me see through his guise. I saw that we were not really different. We are just the same, bruised yet enchantingly amazing seers and searchers. Afraid of the same things, burned by the same flame, hopeful of God's graces, wanting to be better. We are just the same. Thingking about it, this is the very reason why I endured the blows being the ear to his resentments, self-gratification and fantasies... hehehe.

But like I said, we are just the same. I'd like someone to hear me out but he's wearing earplugs and he is not beside me and even if he is, he may not want to listen.

It is that frustrating...sometimes.

B-): well you don't really know what i'm going through
;;)08: and thats true
B-): well.. you're the first lady i met who has been adamant to get to know me
B-): to really try to delve and understand who i am
;;)08: and honestly, it isnt easy
B-): lol
;;)08: yeah

We still talk, less these days. When he gets here, I'd still want to meet him even when he brings pain. When he leaves, the pain goes too.

Conditioned Response

I'm getting the knack of things....hmmmmm all sorts of things. i'm just amused to figure them out.

Adjust. Discern. Compromise. -Hmmm... pano ko ba sasabihin ng di kailangan ng sobrang elicit details. Let's just put this way. I have this tendency to be "selfish" pag ayaw ko...ayaw ko. But I guess I've been "selfish" too long. So someone's gonna have a blast (Yes, Congratulations to you lucky winner..hehehe) So it is a compromise between two arrogant people with somehow "selfish things in mind". There, I am adjusting. Of course, I really thought hard about it just so (atleast) I convinced myself that "it is perfectly fine". (Although, I wished there was another way..pero wala e.. so GO na). Seriously, I thought about it because I don't want to end up "picking myself up" --im too lazy to do that again, y'know? If I let it happen, then I should know that there is no one to blame but myself and even at that I should be forgiving to the "foolish" girl I've been. So I guess, I'm all in at that part "the selfish part" not the entire being, so to speak. Yun lang nman ang at stake...so I conditioned my mind that its just that. I hear velcro adhesives pulling away Body and Emotion.

Its a show of action not feelings. I am not complaining.

I took a retreat. I didn't try to contact him for about a week to think of reasonable, decent yet not icy way to deal with him. Since we come at opposite ends and not willing to be the first one to disarm ammo, it will really be a bloody bout between us. Sayang naman. So I thought, I should let my guard down atleast for a few days, atleast with him --and love isn't really the reason. It's giving the benefit of the doubt. Let's just see how the balance of "trust" manages on this "quakey" ground.

Condition! Condition! Condition!

That word is not new to me. Before the scheduled football games, WE CONDITION. Before WNCAA season starts, WE CONDITION. It's all in the mind. So when you set your mind into something, the body will stupidly submit at the request of the insane brain.

I conditioned myself on this one.

I submit - no regrets
No Blaming
If something goes wrong ----------------- RUN.

A Re-Post: Feed The Lion

I was reminded of this entry.
Saturday, December 17, 2005

Feed a man's ego and he asks for more. Its never enough. When you got nothing more to give. He'll feed on you without remorse. So I was wrong about love with no compromise. Hahaha. It doesn't exist. If it did, it lived only a day, that day.

I'm not even sure if there was anything between us. I'm still happy.

I commented on his entry about his ideal girl. It was a serious entry so I replied with a serious tone and to my dismay he made fun of it. So much for caring and feeding the lion.

Oh, earlier before i got online i made Coco's dinner (my mini dachshund) and I haven't done that for a long time because I was so busy with all sorts of things. I didn't realize why I was sentimental about feeding him tonight after I went online on YM. The lion was waiting to be fed. He is at such bad state. Feeling so bad about all sorts of things. I went to see his blog to find out more (if there was any there) . I found a new entry and I found a new comment re: his dream girl. He replied to my comment. I don't know if I'm wrong to dislike how he responded to it.

it went something like this:

jammygrl08 said...yo * edited* i agree... for my premise i quote G.B. Shaw: "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it." "Hokey" ... i empathize. it is tragic to be self-righteous (i didnt use narcissistic anymore) and be left alone at times. i don't want to lose my identity either. I don't want my ideals be compromised and most especially i don't want to feel helpless.. but it is also my desire to have someone to share life with.. but that desire might put everything on the line. It is ceaseless to debate on which desire is greater . But i think the answer for it revolves only on RISK, CONTENTMENT and ACCEPTANCE

He said... Surely u watch One Tree Hill. Hahaha

But i told him i didnt like what he just replied on my post and he changed it to:

He said...there are so many things running in my mind at the moment, coupled with my recent mistake.i shouldn't have.. sigh.. i can't even say it.thanks for your thoughts jammy.

We've resolved it. But I thought, I should let him know what made me upset with it. It is not only him who commits this crime. Most men do. Men are like lions they would even eat the person who cares and feeds them. Men would ask for their ego be fed. Feed them and they'll ask for more until one is dry to the bones. After that, he'll think little of you and eat you too. So much for a symbiotic habitat.

I don't hate him. I just thought he should know his crime but he wouldn't want to know. I pushed and he got offline. I'm guilty of being blunt. The truth hurt. Saying the truth burns too.

I want him to know so he could work on it. He could be better if he helps himself. I can't change him and I won't. [*I'll just marvel on him].

*does not hold true anymore

'I'm sick of the game. Don't bother me'

Hokey, in just a matter of seconds, I am fired up with indignation. I shouldn't have read what his thoughts are at the moment. He owns, without doubt, a rather appaling conscience --from thoughts, mind, psyche, heart, nature probably the totality of his being....(what is the term for that? I have yet to learn but as yet, I'll coin it from his name). I'll coin atrocity as his own name.

Why do I get the hint of malediction going on? When my day starts right, it ends horrendously. I was rather contented having finishing "The Bachelor" this morning. Went to UP Diliman to jog and take outdoor photos with my dad and youngest sister, Ayen. Ate my favorite tofu as dinner. Brisk walked to C3 to have after dinner tea with my friends. Bought apples and pears for tomorrow's breakfast. Picked up another novel to read, "Dreaming in Cuban", which I find assuaging comfort. My day went perfectly fine. I should have not asked for something more to do and should have went straight to bed and all these haste could have been avoided.

But too late for that.

This blogosphere has become incommodious world for both of us. I should have noted that down but I judged nonchanlanty then and I realized my negligence just a few moments ago.

So sorry, I could no longer contain the hostility. To make it worse, I ran out of cigarettes.

As I remember it, I acted and conversed with him decorously knowing his sly behavior. I was rather careful in dealing with him.. I shouldn't have wasted time figuring him out. How could I think of his needs above mine? Aside from kindness, it was sheer madness. (Which reminds of a previous entry from another blog. I'll repost it: Feed the Lion).

He did say, I love you which I didn't make much fuzz about. I didn't even hold him to his word. Why is my word any different? I even told him, "When I said I love you, it's nothing committal." It is not like I'm begging him (YOU) to love me. It's a sincere, kind, caring, understanding and patient gesture on my end which does not require him(YOU) to requite such acts nor does it accept more narcissism and sick arrogance on his (YOUR) part.

To YOU:

I did question your honesty and sincerity since day 1 and to this date it is still a mystery. As I said before, I would never ask you "Is this all an act?" because I felt that was a petty thing to do..were adults now.

"Was it all calculated ploy to get laid?" Don't tell me now, I already know.

I honestly thought that there is something in you that I shouldn't give up easily. But the game is getting sick now. Sicker than ever.

I'd like you to know that I was never short of sincerity, honesty and concern for you. But it is still early for me to be short of astuteness and sensibility.

I said it a thousand times facing different men, 'I'm sick of the game. Don't bother me'

Love is the Antithesis of Shrewd Judgement

Three years (and still counting) of being 'soltera' bought me enough time to pick my battered being. We all get broken for loving too much, for risking too much, for being stubborn --that's what love is capable of.

Being single and independent, time nurtures us to be wiser. It made me wiser. I was proud of the progress I made. I became less of the naive person I used to be. I thought, I couldn't possibly bear being alone when I am used to going out often with a bf beside me. But I never thought it would be so fun. Being pursued is much fun than getting tied on a relationship. It could be arrogant to say but it is really self-gratifying.

But it isn't just pure self-indulgence being single, I am waiting for someone. Waiting for someone to meet my expectations. It is not easy to even pass the par but I won't compromise --not this time. Not this time, after being lied to and played fool by unworthy men. I thought, it's time to be serious with the qualifications.

So, I made a long list of what I want in man. I suggest all the ladies to do this and make it really long and specific. Of course, if you are serious in getting the best of the stock -a checklist is a must.

That is why I never gave my heart to anyone since my last relationship. I know it was a good decision to wait for that someone. Settling any less isn't just right for me now.

It was a bold conviction, I hold.

Until I met a man.

In my checklist of 'What A Man Should Be', he was the best candidate. As if the heavens would find it amusing, he was not really wooing me. We were just a constant ear to each other's thoughts and desires. Although he possess the things I want in a man, as if the heavens would really have it, he possess the most condition I loathe --narcism.

I couldn't really stand him sometimes. I leave when he shows arrogance. But as time went with its routine of constant change from night to day then day to night, we did our constant chatting and listening.

We didn't notice how long we've been acquainted. We used to chat often about my college crushie that is actually his best friend. He amused me of inside info about the college crushie. Then one day, we stopped talking about my college crushie/his best friend. We started talking about our lives, our deep thoughts, individual plans, ideas, desires --everything about ourselves. I learned how to tolerate his flaws. I became patient and compromising. He became less resentful and less arrogant. It was a progress.

Then I realized, I am breaking my rules. My checklist --void. I am vulnerable now and I let it happen to me. That was stubborn and I am not so pleased.

What is happening to me? I am in love.

I went to this conclusion, Love is the antithesis of shrewd judgement. Everything I said I wouldn't do --I did. Everything I said I would do --I didn't. When I don't want to compromise, I compromise for love. When I had to be strong, I surrender. That's what love is capable of, defy your own sound judgement.

When one loves,
one is no different to an outlaw,
-- one breaks own rules.

When one loves,
one is no different to a fool,
--one is thoughtless and irresponsible.

When one loves,
one is no different to the one it loves.
--both an outlaw and a fool.

The other,
--a fool to have not notice the lover
--an outlaw, to have stolen a heart.

The Lover and The Other
Jammy,
April 25, 2006

As Saint Thomas Aquinas said,

"Love takes up where knowledge leaves off."

The Condition

I think of him often. When I don't think of him, I dream of him. When I can't sleep, it's because I hear our conversations replaying over and over in my thoughts. So, I get up and end up thinking of him again.

Everything reminds me of him.

I wouldn't say it was just a state of coincidence. It is just love.

Love is Much Like A Dam

Waiting is a boon and a bane. A blessing of some sort but admittedly it gets dragging. But I do get by with poker, beach and reggae nights.

I've stopped going to Tapika which plays R & B and love songs. I could not take it. Found a better place, Xaymaca, which plays Reggae. I found myself there. It nursed me back to health and I'm just - beyond words - happy.

I found my perfect world. Then as it was expected to happen, someone crumbled it to pieces like it was his favorite muffin (mine is blue berry muffin, btw).

It just had to be that way. It just had to be at this very moment. I just accepted that even this perfect world I found is bound to see a different light of day.

----
The event as it was recorded then . I am linking an old entry of my then active multiply journal.

Carbon-dating

Don't get me wrong, I never was born hating love. No one was born resenting love. Humans were born dreaming of the arrival of 'the first love' or even just the 'deflower' but the highest guest of honor, 'The One'. But I am not to speak in behalf of anyone, should I? So, atleast what I stated is true to my own fantasy.

Love isn't at all foreign to me. I started young. Before graduating gradeschool, I felt it. As expected, it didn't last long. I was pursued again during highschool and it lasted longer than the first one --an almost four years of my puberty. and after that, nothing ever lasted. Loneliness never stayed long in my heart after a break-up. A replacement is just on stand by. Though I love, I was hardly lonely but I never was truly satisfied.

It takes years to understand love and it takes a little bit of everything to get through it. I thought, I should find out myself. I've been foolish. I've been harsh. I've been jealous. I've been insecure. I've been careless. I've felt all that and more in seek of love yet I find the opposite, pain.

The hardest blow was the last one, Nic. We used to be good friends. I hook him up with my friends. Covering up for the mess he made. We talk and hang out often. He knows the relationsips I had and how it went. I helped him court an acquiantance (it was actually a friend until..) until more than a year has passed and he made no progress with her. Everything conspired for our union. Although, I have accepted that if it is not to be, it is bound to pass. As it happens, we broke up along with the friendship.

He was the last of the 'bf after bf series'. After that, I sworn to take time in choosing. Let my heart rest for a while.

That was sound advice.

Though, I became numb. I've unintentionally hurt a lot of guys. I swear, unintentionally. I just couldn't commit. I gave my heart a chance to beat for a few... but my heart is stubborn -it refuses to obey.

Or maybe it was wise not to settle with someone below par. As we have it in a song, 'It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along.'

And I do believe in miracles of waiting. Patience, after all, pays off. That was taught to me during Bigkis days. Of course, I take it by heart.

I took waiting by heart that it became a passion. I felt good and I regained the things I lost due to love. I got acquianted to security, confidence, wisdom, wittiness. Most of all, I found contentment. I never felt lacking -I was a complete person. Needing no one else's assistance. Quite a pompous ass, but all is well.

I've been single for three years. It's quite impressive.

CARBON DATING RESULTS:
LOVE:1982-2003
APATHY: 2003 - 2005
_______ : 2006 (can't carbon date present ryt?)

Love Like Flu

It's pretty late to start sleeping and a bit peculiar to work on something. I just felt like writing to tire my mind of what it has been boggled about. The possibility of love and the early arrival of lust. I apologize for those who happen to be lost in this island of thoughts.

It is a sickening topic to write about. It is like a disease to me. I puke when I hear love matters. My teeth grits when I hear the faintest sentimental song playing. Love is sick and I'm sick of love. I couldn't possibly imagine nursing myself from it... again and again. YAAK. But then, as it happens, it hit me like that.

Love hit me like flu.

Ironically, I think I let myself play too long waddling in a foreign shore --not familiar with me. I am caught off-guard. Love, like flu, caught me. No one to blame but me.

So here I am, nursing myself off Love. I am not quite sure about the intentions of the man who led the disease to me. Did he bring vaccines (too late for that)? How about an antidote? At the least, I hope he brought a lot of protection. 'Y know what I mean?