'I'm sick of the game. Don't bother me'

Hokey, in just a matter of seconds, I am fired up with indignation. I shouldn't have read what his thoughts are at the moment. He owns, without doubt, a rather appaling conscience --from thoughts, mind, psyche, heart, nature probably the totality of his being....(what is the term for that? I have yet to learn but as yet, I'll coin it from his name). I'll coin atrocity as his own name.

Why do I get the hint of malediction going on? When my day starts right, it ends horrendously. I was rather contented having finishing "The Bachelor" this morning. Went to UP Diliman to jog and take outdoor photos with my dad and youngest sister, Ayen. Ate my favorite tofu as dinner. Brisk walked to C3 to have after dinner tea with my friends. Bought apples and pears for tomorrow's breakfast. Picked up another novel to read, "Dreaming in Cuban", which I find assuaging comfort. My day went perfectly fine. I should have not asked for something more to do and should have went straight to bed and all these haste could have been avoided.

But too late for that.

This blogosphere has become incommodious world for both of us. I should have noted that down but I judged nonchanlanty then and I realized my negligence just a few moments ago.

So sorry, I could no longer contain the hostility. To make it worse, I ran out of cigarettes.

As I remember it, I acted and conversed with him decorously knowing his sly behavior. I was rather careful in dealing with him.. I shouldn't have wasted time figuring him out. How could I think of his needs above mine? Aside from kindness, it was sheer madness. (Which reminds of a previous entry from another blog. I'll repost it: Feed the Lion).

He did say, I love you which I didn't make much fuzz about. I didn't even hold him to his word. Why is my word any different? I even told him, "When I said I love you, it's nothing committal." It is not like I'm begging him (YOU) to love me. It's a sincere, kind, caring, understanding and patient gesture on my end which does not require him(YOU) to requite such acts nor does it accept more narcissism and sick arrogance on his (YOUR) part.

To YOU:

I did question your honesty and sincerity since day 1 and to this date it is still a mystery. As I said before, I would never ask you "Is this all an act?" because I felt that was a petty thing to do..were adults now.

"Was it all calculated ploy to get laid?" Don't tell me now, I already know.

I honestly thought that there is something in you that I shouldn't give up easily. But the game is getting sick now. Sicker than ever.

I'd like you to know that I was never short of sincerity, honesty and concern for you. But it is still early for me to be short of astuteness and sensibility.

I said it a thousand times facing different men, 'I'm sick of the game. Don't bother me'